Long-Term Marriage Happiness
So much has been written about the marriage relationship, thousands of books besides articles, sermons, and podcasts, one might conclude that nothing more can be said. But, actually, if you have been reasonably, happily married over 48 years, like me, you probably do have something to say that could be helpful to those who are in their earlier years of marriage.
Admittedly, marriage can be difficult. There are specific biblical principles which make it less difficult and greatly increase the likelihood of a long-term, happy marriage. By the grace of God, our marriage was shaped from the early years through our relationship with Him through Jesus Christ. We didn’t follow a prescribed marriage study course but the Holy Spirit guided us to what we needed through the regular course of life.
Looking back, it would have been helpful to have had a sound, intentional study course on marriage. However, what we did have was gained from Scripture reading, Sunday school lessons, sermons, biblically-based books, and Bible study groups. We gleaned biblical principles by the grace of God which the Holy Spirit helped us apply to our marriage even when sometimes we didn’t realize it. In reflection, identifying the characteristics and fruit of a reasonably happy marriage may help others walking through a relationship that potentially shapes and matures you like no other and has the greatest long-term rewards.
Why Marriage Matters
Before explaining what characteristics I think make for a reasonably happy long-term marriage, it seems important to point out why it even matters. First of all, I believe it is a relationship beyond all others that is a testing ground and pressure chamber of sorts for individuals becoming spiritually mature. God not only ordained for man to not be alone (Genesis 2:18, ESV) but He also wanted man and woman to become one flesh and be unified (Genesis 2:24). Since from the beginning, people have been self-centered, questioning God’s intentions, and wanting what was not good for them, becoming one unified flesh is easier said than done.
Secondly, marriage has benefits for the care and protection of each other. Man has a responsibility under Christ to love his wife as Christ loved the church and pursue godliness in his life with his wife (Micah 6:8, Ephesians 5:25, 1 Timothy 6:11). God gave man the woman to be a helper to work with him in unity for the goal and purpose of creating a people to love and worship God (Genesis 1:28, Genesis 2:18, Deuteronomy 6:4-5, Proverbs 31:10-31).
Finally, marriage has more long-term benefits and rewards than any other relationship. Not only is a marriage relationship an excellent learning ground for life-long sanctification of the child of God but marriage is an opportunity to set an example of sacrificial love for the church and children as they grow up and prepare for adulthood (John 13:34-35, Deuteronomy 6:7-8). As we have learned the lessons of the Lord’s righteousness over these many years, it is rewarding to be able to pass on to the next generations what we have learned, what are the priorities of a godly life, and how we are grateful (Psalm 71:15-18).
In reflecting on our reasonably happy marriage, I can see the hand of God working. “Reasonably happy” is a “tongue-in-cheek” expression since “happy” is a relative term depending on your perspective. For our lives, we would say that we are happy but for someone else’s standards, they might expect more. Thankfully, we are both serving the Lord. We didn’t start out that way but by the grace of God, within the first two years, we both became unified in our faith and determined to love and serve the Lord. It was actually a miracle in so many ways but our God is able to do far more exceedingly or “more abundantly than all we ask or think,…” (Ephesians 3:20).
Characteristics of the Fruit of the Spirit in a Happy Marriage
There are certain characteristics that I have identified in our marriage which fall within the fruit of the Spirit as described in Galatians 5:2, “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness.” The list of characteristics is fairly long but I will explain why I chose them and how they fit within the fruit of the Spirit. One word which is a prerequisite for the fruit of the Spirit and all the characteristics of our marriage I have identified is the word “humility” as described in Philippians 2:1-11. Paul explains how being “in the Spirit” means “being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind” (Philippians 2:1-2). As he goes on, Paul says we must empty ourselves of our selfishness, conceit, and our own interests (2:3-4) and be like Christ Jesus who emptied Himself (2:7). Daily, emptying ourselves of our self-centeredness and pride is the basis of a happy marriage and is what we have learned and are continuing to learn.
The characteristics will not necessarily follow the order of the fruits of the Spirit as noted in Galatians 5. They are given in an order that came to me in an order of importance that seemed to fit but isn’t in stone.
- Commitment and Devotion: Falling under “faithfulness,” this seems to me to be a top priority. When you marry, you make a commitment and covenant to love and cherish the person through all of life’s struggles. The lack of commitment is what is a problem today with young couples. If commitment is not high on your list, your relationship is on shaky ground from the start. Devotion is not worship but is second to your worship of God in that you make your relationship the highest priority secondary only to God. Jesus emphasized commitment in Matthew 19:4-6, “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.’” I can truly say that we have devoted ourselves to our commitment as our top priority secondary only to serving God.
- Sacrifice: In giving up self-centeredness and thinking more of the needs of others, we are to sacrifice for our spouse. Jesus said, “But whoever would be great among you must be your servant…” (Matthew 20:26). Every day from the time we wake up until we retire at night, we plan our time with the other person in mind. Sometimes that requires changing your plans or your schedule or fitting in your hobbies or interests around your responsibilities to do what your spouse needs you to do. For instance, nothing else takes priority, other than our devotion time with the Lord, than making sure meals are prepared on time which is a sacrificial service for the health of my husband. Sacrifice could be categorized under “faithfulness” and “love” as it needs both.
- Love, Kindness, and Caring: These are all linked together under “love” since all require a sacrificial attitude and a special effort of compassion and thoughtfulness. John explains that “if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us” (1 John 4:12). No one can learn to love with any kind of perfection without abiding in God. God made the ultimate, sacrificial act of love in sending His Son to redeem us from our sinfulness. Our love should mirror this sacrificial example and attitude.
We show love through kindness and caring in service toward our spouse. John also said, “let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth” (1 John 3:18). Love never gives up. “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:7). Paul upheld compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience with high regard but emphasized, “And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony” (Colossians 3:12 & 14). Sacrificial love is a life-long endeavor to understand and perfect. Focusing on God’s love for us with a grateful heart will motivate us to act lovingly and create loving acts. For instance, my husband and I hug each other every morning and prepare to spend some time in conversation and biblical devotional reading before we start our day. When we end the day, we make it a priority to warmly embrace even if we don’t feel well or have had trouble with our attitude.
Marriage is a means of protection through love and care for each other. Whether it be physical protection, emotional, financial, or material a married couple is responsible with the strength and guidance of the Lord to look out for each other. We look to the Lord for strength as “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble” (Psalm 46:1). Protection is particularly important as we get older and have to look out for each other’s health more closely and be aware of dangers for those who might take advantage. It is comforting to know that my husband is exhibiting his godly responsibility when he is concerned about my safety at home and when I am away.
- Honor and Respect: Ephesians 5:22 states, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Women might have a tendency to balk at “submit” but in this case the meaning is not to submit as a hireling. Paul is emphasizing the husband’s authority as well as his heavy responsibility under the Lord. The wife is expected to recognize this line of authority from Christ to her husband. Her submission is to both out of “love.” The husband is expected to love his wife “as Christ loved the church” and died for it (Ephesians 5:25). He is to recognize her as a helpmate and also as an equal “as there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28).
As Christ is worthy of honor and respect, so is the husband as a representative of Christ in the family. If a husband does not honor Christ, the wife must honor his position unless he is abusing her or asking her to follow him in ungodly activities and decisions. Thankfully, I have never been put in this position. Any wife who is in an ungodly or unsafe marriage should seek godly counsel and support to protect her while her husband is offered the Gospel and help to restore their marriage. In the meantime, she should continue to “trust in the Lord” and know that “the peace of God…will guard (her) heart(s) and mind(s) in Christ Jesus” (Proverbs 3:5 and Philippians 4:7).
- Building Up and Encouraging: In 1 Thessalonians 5:11, Paul instructs that we should “encourage one another and build one another up.” He is speaking here about building up in faith and ministry. This can be applied to marriage also as a ministry and walk of faith to each other, the family, and society. Speak encouraging words towards each other out of “love” in regards to each other’s efforts in work, ministry, talents, and abilities. When giving constructive criticism, give it in love, and without “corrupting talk…but only such as is good for building up” (Ephesians 4:29). This is not always easy but is possible with a loving and caring attitude. As sinful people, we have a tendency to criticize and have an opinion about everything others do.
Encouraging and building up requires not being so judgmental but allowing your spouse to be the person God called them to be and enjoy each other’s differences. Jesus said “First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5). Personally, I have had to learn to let my husband do things the way he sees fit and not be critical because I might have a different way of thinking about a task. Most of the time, it works out perfectly and I end up being happy with how he decided to do something and if it doesn’t work out, he learns without my input. Many times I’m happier with the way he decided to do it and pleased that he put in the thought and effort to get it done for me or for us.
- Giving and Sharing: Gifts are nice but giving and sharing of time out of “love” is the most important. My husband has often mentioned to me and others that we just like being together and doing things together. People were amazed that we could work together in business. We have our alone-time but, for the most part, even in alone-time we like to know the other person is there and we can just check in with each other. Now that we’re retired, we have more time to relax in the morning and share thoughts about life, plans for the day, decisions, news, our walk with the Lord, and what we’re reading and studying.
It’s also important to share talents and abilities. Married couples can grow as individuals and in strength as a couple by sharing what each other knows academically and technically. Life is a lot smoother when we can help each other manage the day-to-day issues of finance, building and repairing things, and providing help in all the needs of managing a home. Solomon said, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil” (Ecclesiastes 4:9) He goes on to say, “If they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!” (4:10). Think about the interests of your spouse and support and encourage them in their hobby or special talents. I’ve always admired my husband’s musical ability on the piano that he used for years on worship teams. Talent does not have to be a highly-praised skill. I also admire his ability to fix things around the house and just be a willing “fix-it” man. Be thankful to your spouse for the everyday tasks that require time and effort.
Don’t be stingy with your physical love and intimacy with your spouse. We all need a warm embrace but giving and sharing of time also means to provide physical warmth and encouragement in sexual intimacy as “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Paul said, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:3). This time should be shared with love and respect and in consideration of each other’s health concerns.
- Flexibility and Adaptability: One thing I’ve emphasized to young couples is that marriage goes through seasons. There are times when it can be stressful from raising children, work pressures, financial pressures, illness, and many other factors. Marriage requires not allowing stress to destroy the commitment and bond that you have. Prayer and a strong reliance on God are needed. Paul said, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God” (Philippians 4:6). Pray and retain a thankful heart for your blessings and God’s supply currently and in the past and do not let worry and anxiety control you over anything. Walk through the stresses of life together remembering that “suffering produces endurance” (Romans 5:3). As a couple, trials will make you stronger and able to endure future challenges if you are determined to walk through it together and keep your focus on God’s faithfulness. He will show you how things will work out for your good even if it is difficult to see at the time it’s happening. “And we know for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28).
- Patience, Forgiveness, and Peace: Marriage requires a love that is “patient and kind” (1 Corinthians 13:4). No matter what trial you may be going through, “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer” (Romans 12:12). Being impatient is an indication of distrust in God’s faithfulness for your trial or need. It also comes from a selfish desire to have what you want when you want it. Encourage each other by being patient for God to meet your material needs. Be patient with your spouse in areas where they need to grow emotionally or spiritually. If your spouse is going through a time of being irritable or aloof, give him space to work out whatever is bothering him. He might be worried about something or not feeling well. Don’t pressure him or demand him to act perfectly towards you at all times.
Forgiveness goes along with patience in that it requires that you step back
and take your personal offense or hurt out of the equation. If your spouse has been cruel in word or deed, let him know it in a kind and patient way. Give him time to work through it without demanding an apology, immediately. If he asks for forgiveness, forgive him and do not hold a grudge or remind him of the offense. If you are cruel to him, consider your offense, repent to the Lord, and ask your spouse for forgiveness. Do not let offenses fester but take care of them as soon as possible. Paul said, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).
My husband and I like to say that we like life boring. We have always tried to maintain as little drama and stress as possible. Being in unity in our faith in our eternal hope through Jesus Christ is primary to a peaceful and joyful home. The trials of daily life and the world’s problems pale in comparison to the promise of God to live with Him forever in His peaceful kingdom. Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid” (John 14:27). That really says it all. No one nor anything can take away what you have when you are grounded in your faith through Jesus Christ.
- Unity and Humility: There is “joy and peace” in a home where the couple is united in their goals and purpose in life. Paul said, “So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind” (Philippians 2:1-2). He goes on to emphasize that you need to follow Christ’s example who “humbled himself” as a servant “even to the point of death” (Philippians 2:7-8). Humbling yourself for the good of others requires laying aside your “selfish ambition” and not just considering your own interests but looking “to the interests of others” (Philippians 2:2-4).
In marriage, every major decision and even some minor ones require discussion with your spouse to maintain unity in your goals whether materially or spiritually. Thankfully, we have agreed on decisions in our marriage whether it involved building or buying houses, working in the ministry, moving to other states for ministry, vacations, children, and finances. Unity along with humility requires being easy-going and willing to see the other person’s point of view on a decision. Sometimes it requires that the husband make the final decision whether the wife totally agrees or not. If it does not work out for the best, he will take the weight of the consequences which the wife should then help him deal with gracefully.
- Gratitude and Grace: Being thankful and full of “joy” is God’s will for our marriage regardless of the circumstances we face in life (1 Thessalonians 5:18). We can be content with the relationship with which God has blessed us if our focus is on the “goodness” and grace of God in Christ Jesus and not on material things or personal interests. We must honor our marriage and encourage other married couples. Marriage is not as respected and honored in society as it once was. An attitude of gratefulness and thanksgiving for marriage can set an example for others, especially youth who are struggling with proper relationships and commitment. Show younger people how much goodness and abundant grace is available to them by honoring God in Christ in their lives and relationships. “Oh, how abundant is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you and worked for those who take refuge in you, in the sight of the children of mankind!” (Psalm 31:19).
The characteristics of a happy marriage are achieved through years of being perfected by the day-to-day events and trials of life. Couples who are united in their faith do not work on their marriage in their own strength but call upon the grace and strength of the Lord who supports and guides them. The gifts of the Holy Spirit and the characteristics that stem from them are the natural, positive consequences from love that grows from knowing the Lord and walking with Him. Studying God’s Word, hearing God’s Word, applying God’s Word, and understanding the saving grace of God through Christ brings a change of heart that allows the Holy Spirit to help couples apply biblical principles to their marriage.
If you are married but your spouse does not know the Lord, he may know godly principles and may be applying them naturally to your marriage. Unbelievers can instinctively know the principles of treating someone with love and respect as God established the principles in our hearts from the beginning (Romans 1:18-20). Believers can also know these principles but not be applying them consistently causing difficulty in their marriage. Unfortunately, the divorce rate is fifty percent in the church as well as outside the church. If you are having relational difficulties in your marriage, do not give up. Pray for your spouse and focus on sacrificially applying godly principles yourself that result in the fruit of the Spirit. Grow in your relationship and devotion to the Lord. Attend a strong, Bible-believing church. Do not harass your spouse about attending with you. Let him decide on his own. The Holy Spirit will draw him and at the right time, he will respond.
Marriage is a perfect environment for life-long sanctification in the Lord. It has all the challenges and situations that can help a person become more Christ-like. It also has more rewards of happiness and success than any other relationship. It not only has rewards for the individual but also for those who are affected by a happy married couple, especially children and grandchildren. The legacy of a happy marriage goes on for generations and generations. A happy marriage also strengthens the church body and society.
There is hope to achieve a happy marriage. Looking back I must say that I am more than “reasonably happy” and satisfied with our marriage. “May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus” (Romans 15:5).
