Peace and Forgiveness Amid an Unresolved Relationship
Unresolved relationship conflicts which have led to estrangement are emotionally and spiritually damaging to all the parties involved. When there is no desire by one or both parties to admit a wrong or offense then there is no opportunity for resolution and restored peace and unity. The relationship flounders with no clear path ahead for the one wanting to resolve the conflict unless they are a believer. There is always a path, an answer, and hope for the one who is a believer. Their hope is in the Lord and the Word of God where answers can be found for peace amid any life struggle. Paul emphasized hope for all who place their faith in Christ. He said, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy spirit you may abound in hope” (Romans 15:13, ESV).
The Bible has a lot to say about repentance, forgiveness, caring communication, and love for others. The gospel of Jesus Christ, His death on the cross, and resurrection, give all who accept Him an opportunity for a new, redeemed life in Him and a new pattern of life for themselves and for their approach to relationships. Jesus gave us a complete picture of dying to self and putting our love for God and others at the forefront of our everyday lives. Jesus said, “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:12-13). The redemption story of His sacrifice cries out for love and peace.
What can the believer do when the other party will not repent and ask for forgiveness for an offense? The offended one might have something for which to repent also but the other party may not want to listen or be open to any communication. First and foremost, the offended party needs to examine their own heart for not only their part in the conflict but also for any bitterness, resentment, or lack of openness to the offender. Jesus asked, “Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3). We are instructed to “love our enemies” and “do good to those who hate us” (Luke 6:27). How do we do that? We walk in the “fruit of the Spirit” (Galatians 5:22-23). We cannot forgive the person until they repent and ask for forgiveness as indicated in Matthew 18:15-17. However, our attitude should always be one of forgiveness in our heart with an open mind to receive them, hear them, and forgive them when they come with an attitude of sorrow and repentance (Matthew 6:14-15).
Examining one’s heart with an attitude of humbleness requires prayer. Pray that your eyes would be opened to any way you might have contributed to the offense. Ask the Lord to show you your own sin. Pray that the Lord would give you a new heart of love for the offender despite the offense. At the same time, pray that the heart and eyes of the offender would be opened to hear from the Lord about the offense in a way that would bring repentance for any hurtful wrongs that have brought about the conflict and estrangement. Be ready to forgive the offender with a prayerful attitude as Jesus instructed us in Mark 11:25, “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”
Go to the Word of God and search out all the scriptures on forgiveness, love, unity, peace, attitudes toward others, and dying to self (i.e., Luke 6:35, John 13:34, 1 Cor. 13:1-7, John 16:33, Matt. 5:9, Col. 3:15, James 3:18, Romans 12:18, etc.). Pray while reading the word that it might give you a new perspective on the conflict and relationship. Meditate on the meaning of the words, their context, and application. Ask the Lord to open your eyes to changing your outlook no matter how right you think you were about the conflict. Be open to growing in a manner closer to how the Lord sees the situation.
Keep an open heart toward the offender. Continue to communicate whenever possible with love and gentleness regardless of whether there is a response or not. Remember Proverbs 15:1, “A soft answer turns away wrath,but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Speak positive words of encouragement and love. Peter said, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8). With wisdom and guidance from the Holy Spirit, remind the offender that there is an offense that needs to be resolved. Let them know that you are open to talking with them about it. If they are a believer, they may be willing to meet with two or more witnesses according to Matthew 18. If they are in your church and not willing to meet then the issue needs to be brought to the attention of the elders who will want to meet with the offender.
Conflicts should be resolved quickly between people that claim to be believers. James instructs us, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;…” (James 1:19). When stubbornness is involved hindering repentance and forgiveness, the situation can continue for an extended period of time. According to Proverbs, “He who is often reproved, yet stiffens his neck, will suddenly be broken beyond healing” Proverbs 29:1). As time goes by, further bitterness, enmity, and pain can not only cause damage to the two parties involved but also extend out to other family members and even the church body. Estrangement over a long period can cause lifelong damage. In Hebrews 3:12-13, we are warned to not allow our hearts to be hardened lest we “fall away from the living God.”
After the offended party has done all they can do in examining their heart, praying, and studying the Scripture, then they must trust the Lord that there will be a resolution in time. “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act” (Psalm 37:5). Continue to study the Word, pray, and keep a heart of forgiveness for the offender. Do not give up on them. God will never give up on them and you must stand in prayer continually for them (2 Peter 3:9).
Continue strong in the Lord, living in God’s promises of love and peace. “May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ” (Romans 15:5).
