The Grief of Estrangement
Part One
Estrangement. What an odd-sounding word. Regardless of a dictionary definition, the word “strange” has a way of jumping out of the word and bringing to mind the idea of something odd or weird. Stranger or alien might also come to mind. The word, estrangement, actually originated from the Latin “extraneare” which means to treat as a stranger. In the English language, the word became “estrange” from the French evolution of the word “estrangier” which means “to alienate.” Estrangement has a way of immediately emitting a sense of coldness and rejection.
To be estranged should be foreign to the human experience. We were not created to be estranged from anyone, especially from family members and those of the family of God. According to Scripture, we are to love our neighbor as ourselves, love our enemies, those who persecute us, and those who hate, curse or abuse us (Mark 12:31, Matthew 5:44, and Luke 6:27). Of course, there are people who have become dangerous and evil and are a threat from which one must be protected. Regardless, it is still our responsibility as fellow humans to pray for these people as created beings of God. All others do not belong in a category or a relationship of estrangement. It is not right, appropriate, or necessary to set up a wall, barricade or boundary from anyone but rather to find an opportunity to maintain peace. “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:18, ESV). When all opportunities to break down walls have been avoided or outright rejected, peace is not possible. Emotional pain and grief follows not only for the one being rejected but also for the one rejecting. Paul warns, “But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another” (Galatians 5:15).
The grief and sorrow that comes from estrangement can be just as real and deep as death. The only difference is when life brings the opportunity for the hope of forgiveness, redemption, and reconciliation. Where there is life, the Holy Spirit can continue to break down the walls and boundaries that have been erected between people. Jesus said, “It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life” (John 6:63). The Holy Spirit can work through any possible openness to break down walls. Paul desired, “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope” (Romans 15:13).
The images of the grief and sorrow of estrangement are ones of loss through missed experiences and relationships with people. These losses of experiences and relationships are often tragic and painful, especially in family relationships, such as between parents and their children. Estrangement ranks high on the list of the worst type of grief and sorrow. Some textbooks might give an explanation in a superficial sense. Those that experience it know it in a way no book can define. Mothers may suffer more emotionally from estrangement but studies show 6% are estranged from a child compared to 26% of fathers.1 However, depending on the circumstances, personalities, family dynamics, and severity, a grief and sorrow experience of estrangement can be quite varied but always emotionally difficult. David said, “Reproaches have broken my heart, so that I am in despair” (Psalm 69:20). Whatever the experience, it is a death for all the parties involved. Unless you are walking through it, no one can really understand the depth of pain.
Grief and sorrow from estrangement is not natural or biblical. The root of estrangement is in rebellion against God. Jesus said, “The one who hears you hears me, and the one who rejects you rejects me, and the one who rejects me rejects him who sent me” (Luke 10:16). Solomon wisely pointed out that, “When a man’s ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him” (Proverbs 16:7). Being unwilling to negotiate and come to peaceful terms is rejecting God’s way of love, forgiveness and peace. Paul instructs us with a consequential condition, “Aim for restoration, comfort one another, agree with one another, live in peace; [and] the God of love and peace will be with you” (2 Corinthians 13:11). Resistance and stubbornness is only pushing God away and will only bring more sorrow and death. “For whoever finds me finds life and obtains favor from the Lord, but he who fails to find me injures himself; all who hate me love death” (Proverbs 8:35-36).
The Bible explains how we can be reconciled with another person within the church. If followed, the principles can work if accepted. Before estranged relationships have a chance to develop, conflicts and disagreements need to be resolved quickly. Conflict resolution principles outlined in the Bible can be effective for believers within the church, if all parties are humble and cooperative. Whatever the conflict, offense, or disagreement, always judge yourself first to determine any sin, behavior, or attitude that you may have contributed to the situation. Next, in paraphrased form from Matthew 18, if someone “sins against you” or wrongfully accuses you of something or disparages you, you should go to that person, alone, and “tell him [her] of the fault.” If he [she] listens, assuming the person humbly accepted the explanation of the fault and has repented, the conflict will be resolved. If the person “does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.” If the person “refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church.” Finally, “if he [she] refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector” (Matthew 18:15-17). Meaning the brethren should disassociate but still be in some contact with them, treating them with kindness with hope for the possibility of restoring the person if they repent in the future. Continue to treat the resistant believer with love and respect while gently reminding them of the issue that needs to be resolved as the opportunity arises and with the leading of the Holy Spirit.
If the person who has sinned against you, hurt, or disparaged you is an unbeliever, the principles of Matthew 18 may still be helpful in an attempt to lovingly break down any differences between you in an effort to maintain peace. First, judge yourself and your attitude and behavior and then go to the person, privately, and explain the offense that has been brought against you. Speak the “truth in love” with kindness, gentleness, and graciousness (Ephesians 4:15, 1 Corinthians 13:4-5, Proverbs 15:1). Always speak with the possibility in mind that you may have an opportunity through the encounter to present the gospel and guide them in being “reconciled to God” (2 Corinthians 5:20). If the person does not agree there was any offense and is resistant to restoring peace, offering mediation through agreed upon mediators could be an opportunity to resolve the situation. “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14). The goal is to “live in harmony” even with those who persecute you (Romans 12:14-16). If the person refuses to meet with others to work out the disagreement over the offense, then part in peace, “with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:2-3). Your attitude towards the unbeliever or the resistant believer leaves room for the Holy Spirit to continue to draw that person to the Lord “because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit…” (Romans 5:5).
If the person who is at fault repents and asks for forgiveness, forgiveness is to be given as stated in Colossians, “bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you” (Colossians 3:13). It’s notable that Matthew follows immediately with Peter’s question about forgiveness and Jesus’ explanation that forgiveness should be granted “up to seventy times seven” for one who repents (Matthew 18:22).
Relationships should never come to the point of estrangement, especially between Christian believers. The Bible is explicit on being at peace with each other. “Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord” (Hebrews 12:14). We are directed to “love your neighbor [others] as yourself” (Matthew 22:39) as the second greatest commandment. In fact, we are encouraged to increase in love for others. Paul said, “And may the Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another and for all” (1 Thessalonians 3:12). Loving others will eliminate the desire for estrangement. With all those involved in a disagreement or conflict, Titus says, “to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people” (Titus 3:2). When all parties are humble and speaking with love and patience, more can be accomplished toward a peaceful resolution.
If estrangement persists in a relationship, an attitude of openness and forgiveness should remain in your heart toward the person who is rejecting you. In Part Two of “The Grief of Estrangement” how one can live in peace and forgiveness despite the pain and sorrow of an estranged relationship will be addressed.
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